This section describes the weapons found in the game.
| Weapon | Damage Rating | Special |
| Stick | 1 | |
| Sports Ball | 1 | |
| Pencil | 1 | |
| Plastic Spork | 1 | Disects Food |
| Chromatic Cookie | 1 | Various effects |
| Flask | 1 | Various chemical splashes |
| Networking Cable | 2 | |
| Blue Gum | 2 | Blueberry Death |
| Screwdriver | 3 | |
| Lens | 3 | Detects Defective Items |
| Novel | 3 | Estimates IN |
| Meter Stick | 4 | |
| Scalpel | 4 | Disects Food |
| Rock | 5 | |
| Rubber Wand | 7 | Issues Blazing Electric Death |
| Textbook | 5 | May stun enemies |
| Baseball Bat | 9 | |
| Metal Slab | 9 | Also can be used as armor |
| Bullwhip | 10 | |
| Frying Pan | 10 | Also can be used as armor |
| Knife | 10 | Disects Food |
| Dragon Fang | 12 | Very accurate (+50% To-hit) |
| Pick-Axe | 12 | |
| Dread Sword of Nerfing | 15 | Can reduce enemy stats |
| Glowing Sword | 20 | |
| Pen of The Propagandists | 25 | May charm creatures |